What does everyone anyone will do have in common? Their motivation, ie: themselves. Everyone goes through life largely doing their own thing, and that's totally how it should be. We as humans, and basic animals at heart, always look out for number one. And I don't mean that to say we be ruthless and use any means possible to get ahead, I just mean the motivation for doing something should always be within yourself. Like pack style animals, they won't ruthlessly kill their brother just for being in its way, but at the end of the day when hunting, the animal is hunting for itself. It looks to fulfill its needs first, but not so much to take away from others or gluttonize.
I don't think this is much of a stretch, its pretty easy to see and accept. Everything we do should be to better ourselves ourselves in some way, as long as it doesn't negatively affect other people.
Unfortunately for the last 100 years or so or popular culture, this kind of puts a stake through the idea of close relationships.
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| You mean this isn't normal? |
Oh don't worry baby bird, I'll feed you. This philosophy works great on people superficially. Many people love to help others, me included. But look at their motivation. It makes them feel more satisfied to help people, it allows them to interact with different people, etc. In essence all of those are personal reasons at heart. You help people because it makes you feel happy to do so, or talking with new people all the time entertains you. Maybe there's some kind of chemical release. Going back to the wolf analogy it makes sense to encourage cooperation and assistance. But ultimately, they, you, and I are all doing it because it satisfies an urge.
Humans interact with other people everyday because it mutually satisfies a personal desire for social bonding.
This all works great in everyday life. Each wolf is working to feed itself, and so if another ten wolves have the same desire, they can team up and work on accomplishing it together. That's why we are social creatures, because when we have the same goals, its smarter and more enjoyable to work together.
Now delve into the part about 'not negatively affecting other people.' If you ask a wolf to stay home and not eat today so that the others can have more and indulge?
That wolf will be like absolutely not, fuck you Balto.
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| Asshole source |
And he is totally right in that respect. You should never do something to give up or hurt your own goals. Like I have said before, you shouldn't go to the other extreme and have no regard for others goals, but you should never hurt yours either.
IDEALLY, everyone should pursue their own life goals and experiences, living their life how they want. We mutually help each other when its beneficial for us, and if not we just move on and keep doing our own thing. That's what EVERY other animal does.
So where does marriage come in?
Hint: It doesn't.
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| I think I wanna marry you! -from online express |
| Ok.. |
But people CHANGE. Whether you are 10 or 50, you will change everyday, your dreams will change, your ideals will change. This is constant.
So while you very well may match up with a girl this month, statistically that will not last. You met this person because of whatever goal you were pursuing at the time most likely. That was the winter you pretended like you could ice skate and you fell and cut your face off with her skate. Now that's an icebreaker. Or that was the time you formed an Anti Joey Alliance and by god if seeing a strong minded leader uniting people against his suite mate for no reason other then to be annoying doesn't turn a girl on.
But after a few weeks, you are not going to care about that as much, and you'll be moving on to other things. And she will too.
Now as we already well established, you should move on to other things you want to do. And sorry to tell you the truth, but that will not be the things the love of your life you met two weeks ago at Chuckie Cheese will want. Which dictates that you should just go your own ways. You'll start something new and you'll end up meeting someone at your first "Lyrical Expression of John Mayer through Interpretative Dance and Butterfly Mimicry." class.
And that's how it should be. You stay tied down to the original girl and you will go through your entire life meeting people that could potentially change your life and you'll never even interact with them because of the shining beacon of love waiting for you to get home one minute past curfew before they Incredible Hulkify into some scary, condescending arachnid.
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| She'll wait in your shoe till morning to yell at you for not calling. |
Moreover, its just plain wrong for you to ask a girl to stick around once this has happened. Or the other way around. Because inevitably, one person in the relationship will continue living their life, while the other takes the passenger seat and is along for the ride. And I'll tell you I certainly am not giving up the wheel. Besides, I drive stick she probably couldn't even do it if she wanted. But I would never want to hamper someone else in that way.
We have to admit that at the heart of the matter we are polygamous.
So that's how I have been trying to live my life the last few months. And its been working ok. I largely stopped thinking about forming relationships myself, and just opened myself up to hanging out with everyone I met. Which honestly has garnered me a lot of attention. I take it, what guy wouldn't but I don't look into it and I let people come and go as they please pretty much. Which usually results in things being cool for a while and then they start bitching cause they want something exclusive, and I'm just not interested enough to put in the effort when my schedule is already so packed.
Now I know someone is probably thinking, "Well Rob, isn't marriage an experience, isn't raising a family together an experience?"
Well, yes and no.
Kids, definitely. Looking at the animal analogy again though, definitely not as long as we do though. Most animals stay with their families until they are mature and then go off on their own. The idea of being a kid for upwards of mid twenties these days, and spending your entire life devoted to a few family members or a spouse is mainly just modern convention.
Not that I am saying that should change. I am very close to my family and regardless in this part of the world to not conform to that is just not realistic.
I do want to experience having kids and a good marriage. You can ask anyone around me I am itching to be on my own and have a grown up house with kids and a white picket fence. But the issue is that's it, I want the EXPERIENCE. When I think about my life when I am getting upwards of 50 or 60, I have ideas that I like, but none of them take into consideration having a wife and kids.
I have a lot of interest in trying different jobs. Being in health care would give me some flexibility in my later years, that I could semi retire to owning a restaurant, becoming involved in the community, working as a WEMT again.
In the very end, I see myself either really involved with my area and helping programs or something for kids, or on the opposite side of the spectrum secluding into the woods to live simply.
The point is neither factors in a wife. But I can't just assume she'll die off can I.
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| source |
With a wife, I see myself trapped in the house my kids grew up in for years watching TV and slowly sinking into an armchair, pinned there as a nostalgic stock character. With a family worrying about me, I can't move around. I can't go on a trip myself unannounced. You basically switch places with your grand kids, having to report and get permission for everything you do like a five year old because otherwise you'll fall and break your hip. A family is a shit-ton of compromise and you will never be on the clean end of the stick from the moment you say 'I do. '
I never used to think this way either. As recently as last semester I was all about love, and the idea of marriage as a team, and all I did was look at girls wondering if I was going to marry them. I have taken a complete 180, and aspects of it still baffle me. I'm confused as hell still. The girl I first told all of these ideas to, because she is the only one I have met who somewhat shares some of these ideas and is actually totally cool with not pushing a relationship on me, predicts that out of all my friends I am going to get married first, and that I only say these things because I've been hurt. Which true or not, its pretty damn perceptive of her considering we have never discussed our pasts in depth, and she predicted what a lot of people have said about me before, while she has only known me for a few months.
And then despite all these conclusions that everyone should ultimately be happy with me myself and I, you meet people who can tear everything down. Make you wonder if you have it all wrong, and put you right back at square1, without passing go or collecting 200. So then you start thinking about that possibility and how they both seem to make sense and it gets more complicated then the duality properties of light.You meet people in your life, be it close friends, family, or someone else, who whaddaya know, you actually want them in your life 10, 20 years down the line.
I know which one my friends and family would choose, obviously. I'll probably get an angry text for 'disowning us on the internet' or a hysterical call from my mother because her son has lost hope in marriage. But I am not saying anything like that, I have said I care for them all a great deal. Its very hard to rationalize in a 20 year old's mind the line between rewarding social circles and growth through compromise, and staying true to yourself and maintaining personal autonomy.
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